Thursday, September 13, 2012


Well, I'm back...hopefully for good this time!  Keep reading to find out what got me here.

If you would have asked me 8 hours ago if I'd be blogging again, chances are I'd say no.  Why blog?  I mean, I loved it the first time I did fact I couldn't wait to make a new post each day...but blogging back then was my outlet for my unhappy marriage.  So fast forward 8 hours and let's talk about what got me here today.

I was told tonight at work from someone I admire and look up to that I needed balance.  This person...we shall call W...said that I was a bit unbalanced between my personal life and my work life.  W suggested getting a hobby.  Actually W first suggested Tae Kwon Do.  If you asked me, I wouldn't say I was unbalanced, after all...I enjoy work because it's one thing I can say with confidence that I excel at.  I'm respected, my opinions matter, and quite frankly I know that I make a difference--all be it, I'm sure its very small...but it's a difference none the less.  I wasn't exactly sure what to make from being told I was unbalanced.  My first thought was "I'm not a car...what I need to get my life rotated too???"  But then I started to think about it.  I have two dogs that love me more than life itself...and I make them stay in their cage for unreasonable amounts of time while I stay working late.  How fair is that, to me or the dogs?  Maybe W really did know what he was talking about. Shhh, don't ever tell him!!

I got home tonight at around 9:30 and I just couldn't shake my convo with W.  I had obviously already gone through my denial stage...and come to some acceptance, that I was in fact out of whack.  My next step was anger...I thought "who is W to tell me I'm unbalanced?  Who is he to tell me I need a damn hobby??  Besides, I have hobbies...and then I paused and thought to myself--I do have hobbies...right??  As I reflected the only hobby, or thing I loved was writing...but what was I supposed to write?  Sure, I could crank out some lame attempt at poetry, but a few poems here and there won't provide balance.  Am I going to write the next best seller like Fifty Shades of Grey??  I blush even thinking about it.  You'd think that right about now is when I would decide to start blogging again...but no.  Still didn't occur to me. 

While I was reflecting on my conversation I thought of something else W said to me.  This is a line he uses on me all the time--his mom was a shrink so I'm pretty sure he got this from her--"no one can hurt your feelings unless you let them."  Now, I consider W a very smart guy.  Boarder line brilliant to be perfectly honest...when he starts his psycho babble I want scream "did your mom not love you and hug you enough because feelings are bad???".  Maybe it's me, but at least in my experience the people I have known who have been raised by a psychologist/psychiatrist seriously seem to have the biggest issues...and I think it's because they weren't loved enough...or shown love.  Take Leonard from Big Bang Theory...look at how he turned out.  :-)   I personally don't share his philosophy--W's, not Leonard's--and quite frankly I think it's a cop-out for the offender to ever have to take any ownership of the fact that they were in fact responsible for any wrong doing.  I don't live in a "don't blame me I didn't make you feel a certain way" world, nor do I buy into that craptastic philosophy.  So I set out to prove W wrong...and I googled "can someone only hurt your feelings if you let them?"  Google is like the magic oracle...and it knows all, so surely it would tell me the answer I needed to hear.  That is when I found out about the Tiny Buddah.  Apparently mini-buddah has a book called Tiny Wisdom.  I'll be darn...Tiny Buddah has some really good things to say...and he's actually how I got here. 

10. Express your feelings through a creative outlet, like blogging or painting. Add this to your to-do list and cross it off when you’re done. This will be a visual reminder that you have actively chosen to release these feelings.

How did Tiny Buddah know that my two favorite "hobbies", if I had to pick them would be blogging and painting.  I kid you not.  When I read that it stopped me dead in my tracks.  That's it.  I need to start blogging. 

So I guess what I'm saying is...while W upset me with his "your life needs balance" talk...and while he has hurt my feelings (not meaning to), he's actually what got my groove back...and for that I'll be forever grateful. 

Now it's off to bed.  Even if no one ever reads this...I now have an outlet for my feelings...and I can once again become balanced. 

As a side note...I just got a really good chuckle because Will Ferrell from Anchorman popped into my head when he said to his dog "you're like a miniature buddah".  Ahhh, it's the little things!!

Monday, June 20, 2011

A tale from a cybercondriac...And a story

It feels like all my life I have had medical issue.  I used to always throw up in school...not because I had an eating disorder but apparently according to my Pediatrician, that's how I handled stress.  Man...too bad I grew out of that one...other wise I'd be skinny and on America's Next Top Model.  I was also diagnosed with GERD when I was in Middle school (I think it was middle school...although I may be incorrect).  I had/have awful heartburn.  It actually wasn't until this year that I found a pill that I can go all day on and not get heartburn.  What i mean by that is that on my old pills, I would take one at night and be okay...but if I got up in the morning and had anything to drink or eat...I couldn't lay back down without having to take another pill...which wasn't prescribed that way...but that's how it had to be.  So I guess you could say (and I am sure my mother would) that I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac...although now a days I'm a cyberchondriac because I medically diagnose myself via online tools like WedMd or Mayoclinic.  So today I realized that I think I may have a gluten intolerance.  You stomach always does weird things and lately whenever I eat something I get very bloated and my stomach becomes distended.  I have horrible internal gas and pressure...and this has been going on for awhile.  I chalked it up to my stomach hating me...but, I think it actually be my stomach hating Gluten.  What attracted me to this conclusion was that after my breakfast this morning my stomach started doing it's normal thing.  Grumbling, rumbling, pressure, pain, and bloating.  Now, all I had eaten was donut holes (I'm not completely ruling out that my problems could just be because I eat crap all day long), which lead me to wonder if this was all caused by gluten.  I have lots of the symptoms...and lord knows I lack energy and feel tired all the time (another symptom).  So today at lunch I tried to test my hypothesis by eating Wheat Thins.  Mine as well not waste any time and go for the full on wheat overload.  And of course my stomach feels the same as before.  This has caused me to decide that I should probably try a Gluten Free diet.  This is going to be incredibly hard because 1) I LOVE food.  B) I never was good at the Adkins diet because I LOVE bread and pasta.  3) I love carbs. D) Did I mention I love food??  The upside is that M. is currently on the diet, so that makes it a little easier.  And if I stick to meat, veggies, and fruit I should be good...and I might even drop some lb's in the process.  The part that is going to suck is that we've probably never followed the GF diet as it's supposed to be followed.  Technically you're supposed to have a separate toaster, silverware, plates, fridge, etc. for all your GF food so that there's no cross contamination.  We never did that.  Who has money or space for all new appliances??  We do however not feed M anything with Gluten, and to me, that has really helped her.  So I guess I can give it awhirl. 

The moral of this story you may ask??  You see, I am going to blog about how this adventure turns out.  Will it help??  Will I feel better??  Who knows...but I do know that it never hurts to try. 

On a completely different note...

My dear aunt passed away fairly unexpectedly over the weekend.  I was not at all ready for this nor had I planned on this happening.  She was my only real aunt, and she spoiled me with love, kindness, and generosity.  You see, my aunt never had children of her own, so to a degree she treated my brother and me like we were hers.  Every summer she'd take me (my brother too...but on his own) on vacations and trips.  Thanks to her I have visited lots of different states.  Sure, she had her faults...but the good far outweighed them.  Just like my grandmother, you never heard her say a cross word about anyone.  Ever.  She saw the good in people.  And loved everyone.  I took her for I probably do with my whole family.  You don't realize that one minute someone is here and the next they're gone.  I decided that one of the most painful words in the English language is regret.  Why didn't I call her?  Why didn't I tell her I loved her more.  Why didn't I go see her the last time I was in town?  There was always an excuse with me...story of my life.  My heart will never be quite the same without her.  She gave me a present once, I believe for Christmas...and it might be my most prized possession.  It's nothing big...or extravagant...rather simple really.  When I was a little child (not sure the year it was given to me) she gave me a teddy bear...and to this 33 years old, I still sleep with it.  "its" actual name was Dandy the Millionaire Bear.  I guess even as a young child I had aspirations of being rich.  :)  I take that bear on all of my trips...and sleep with it every night.  There is no doubt when you take one look at Dandy, that he's been loved.  Remember at the top how I talked about throwing up when I was in school??  Well I also threw up when we'd go on road needless to say, he's seen the spin cycle a time or two.  And sure, he has no stuffing in his neck, and he's had to be sewn here and there...but he's been my favorite constant in my life.  I sometimes think about what I would take if I had a fire...and besides, getting my family out and my dog out...the one thing I would have to have would be my teddy bear.  Even over my pictures I think.  As dumb as it sounds, whenever I am down, or sick, or lonely, or depressed...that bear is with me.  And now, with the passing of my aunt, I am going to hold that bear a little tighter. 

Man...I think I had ADD.  The real reason for writing about my aunt, is kind of in relation to the top.  My aunt had Diabetes, and was overweight...even obese.  But despite having Diabetes, she never ate right.  She always ate out...and not good for you stuff either.  But that got me thinking.  I honestly don't know if I was diagnosed with a medical condition, if even then I'd stop how I eat.  Take the gluten for example.  Say I really have a gluten intolerance...I don't know that I'm strong enough to follow a non-gluten diet.  I always said that my aunt should have eaten better, blah blah blah...but it's easier said than done.  Just one of my many leasons I've learned in life. 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Things I love...

I stumbled across this blog.  Its the bucket list of a 15 year old little girl that is dying of cancer.  So it made me decide to write down the things I love.  I will often update this as things pop in my head. 

Also, one of the things on her bucket list is that she wants everyone in the world to sign up to be a bone marrow donor.  I have been signed up for almost 2 years.  Haven't gotten a call yet, but hope that someday I will. Yes, it will hurt...but not nearly as bad as seeing your 15 year old daughter pass away because there was no match.  The likely hood of ever being called is slim...and I ask everyone that reads this (all two of you) to sign up.

Okay, so here we go!!  I LOVE:
1.  Storms.  (but only when they are just storms and not tornado's, etc)
2.  Listening to the rain...particularly when I'm home and able to fall asleep to it. 
3.  The smell of clothes right out of the dryer.
4.  Slipping into bed after you have just laundered your sheets. 
5.  When I find a book that I don't want to finish, but can't wait to either. 
6.  Getting to sleep in on the weekends.
7.  The feeling I get right at 4:25 when I know my work day is almost over. 
8. Nectarines - Both smelling and eating them!!!

Friday, June 3, 2011

A lightbulb moment...

Have you ever known that something is wrong with, really wrong...but you can't quite put your finger on it??  To anyone else you're fine.  There's nothing wrong with you.  But inside you know differently.  Well that aha moment came today. 

I have always had issues with my weight.  I have always been heavy...and hated it.  But I LOVED food.  In high school there was a brief time where I would make myself throw up after I ate.  It didn't go on too long.  But it happened for awhile.  Of course it didn't really help with weight loss...but in my head I could rationalize it because if the calories and fat were going in...but also coming out then I wouldn't gain weight.  It was easy for me.  Growing up as a child I threw up a lot.  The doctor said it was my way of dealing with stress.  And on road trips I'd always get car sick.  So throwing up to me was second nature.  I didn't enjoy it by any means...but if it meant that I could eat what I wanted then that was my head. 

Like I said...I have always struggled with weight.  Started Weight Watchers and become a lifetime member in 4th grade.  My mom worked there, so going was easy.  Plus I met a friend in WW and I actually really enjoyed it.  In high school I always felt fat and thought I was fat...but looking back on those pictures, I'd give my left leg to weigh what I weighted in high school. 

As an adult I have started and gone to WW two more time...with this most recent "online ww" experience being my third.  I have tried it a degree.  I have tried Adkins.  The cabbage soup diet.  Diet pills...and really WW was the only thing that worked.  However, while WW says you can eat whatever you want, I never felt I could. 

For most people food is a necessity...but to me it is so much more.  It is happiness.  Food makes me happy.  Or does it.  You see...this next part is what brought me to my "aha" moment. 

Food DOESN'T make me happy.  In fact here's a typical day:

1.  Getting dressed:  UH, I hate my life.  I am so fat and none of my clothes fit.  I keep going up a size.  That's it...I'm going to diet. 
2.  Craving candy: OMG I need chocolate...or some hard candy.  No I don't.  I am too fat.  I don't need anything.
3.  20 minutes later:  Still craving chocolate...I think I'll go to the gift shop and get something.
4.  Eating the chocolate:  OMG...what have I just done.  Great...look how much fat is in that candy bar.  Hope it was good Sarah.  Now I'll never lose weight.  I'm just going to continue to gain weight. 

That's just a small example of what plays in my head on a daily basis.  What caused this?? I have know idea...but it literally happens every day of my life, wherever food is involved.  It's like a recording that's slowly making me crazy. 

For about the first 6 months of working at the hospital I would go to lunch with some of the people in my office.  Our cafeteria didn't offer the best food...and not too many healthy I would get what sounded good.  Sometimes a grill cheese and fries...cause after all...that whole delicious fried meal was only $3.25.  Couldn't beat that price with a stick.  But EVERY DAY after lunch I would get back to my desk...and almost feel sick.  Sick with a "what have I done" feeling.  I would feel guilty about my lunch.  REALLY guilty.  So I got to the point where I stopped going to lunch.  It was too hard.  I would bring my lunch...and sit in my office by myself...which I enjoyed...but not every day do I feel like reading at lunch.  And on occasion when I have gone to lunch, that same sickened feeling comes back as soon as I get back to my desk.

I recently asked my friends if I was addicted to which they said no.  Only little did they know...I meant it.  I feel like I'm addicted to food.  I feel like it's one of those things where I know I shouldn't eat it...and I know what will happen if I do eat it...and I tell myself not to...but I eat it anyway to satisfy that craving...then I beat myself up over it.  Just like smoking...everyone that does it knows it's not good for you...and that it causes cancer, but your mind tells your body it doesn't care.  That to me doesn't seem normal.  Yesterday or the day before I actually contemplated anorexia.  Me, the girl who loves food contemplated anorexia.  I had always heard that people that were anorexic and bulimic did it because that was one of the few things in their life that they could control...and I finally got what that meant. 

Today I contemplated diet pills.  I just feel like if I could get these cravings to go away...or I could ever reach a point where I didn't want to eat...THEN maybe I could lose weight.  Alli is probably the only "safe" FDA approved diet pill.  However after reading the reviews from everyone that shall I say loose, greasy, uncontrollable stools - well it suddenly lost it's appeal. 

So then I googled "how do you know when you are addicted to food?" and I came across this site.  It's a blog on Self Magazine.  (stand back..."aha" moment ahead) Here is a small snippet in case you don't want to read the whole article.

We asked Chevese Turner, founder and CEO of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), for the inside view.

"There's been a lot of debate around whether this set of symptoms is an eating disorder or food addiction, but no matter what it is, it all sort of acts the same," Turner says. "What we're concerned with is, how is it treated?

"For most alcoholics, it's important that they take alcohol out of their life completely in order to recover, but what does abstinence mean for food? It's so complicated."

Turner, a recovering sufferer of Binge Eating Disorder herself, says she hasn't eliminated foods from her diet, but instead has used therapy and behavioral work to help lessen her cravings. For other BED sufferers, abstaining completely from foods such as sugar or white flour (and sometimes reintroducing them later) seem to work well.

How do you know if you're suffering from BED?

"We have people who overeat but aren't too stressed about it -- but BED means your relationship with food is extremely distressing to you, whether you're overweight or not," Turner says. "If you're overeating and feel a lot of shame or distress around that behavior, that really is the hallmark."
The paragraph above sums it up.  My relationship with food is incredibly distressing.  I would say that food, whether it be feeling guilty, eating it, or wondering what I am going to eat consumes about 50% of my day.  It's constantly going on in the back of my head.  Ask my friends...they will tell you. 

It felt good to know that there is actually something wrong in my thinking.  It's an actual thing.  And I'm not alone. 

Now, if only I knew how to fix myself...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Pain in the Tushie!!!

I love 3 day weekends.  In fact, I love them so much I think every week should have a three day weekend.  This weekend was busy, and quite eventful. 

For starters Friday night a huge box came via FedEx.  The brother was kind enough to bring it in for me.  I knew right away it was my soon to be I was very happy to get it.  Saturday the bf got it out of the box and started assembling...when he noticed one of the hand brakes was broken.  :(  Yesterday the BF's dad helped fix my bike by putting on a different brake...and putting on my new seat.  Let me share with you what was going through my head as I was attempting to ride my bike.
     1. OMG my butt hurts!!!  I need a new seat ASAP.
     2. Maybe that whole helmet thing being a good idea isn't so stupid.
     3.  I am going to fall and break my head open. 
     4.  What if I slip over the handlebars?
     5.  What is my foot gets stuck on the peddle.
     6.  Why does the seat hurt my tushy so much more than when I was a kid?? 
     7.  *while peddling uphill* My legs are going to fall off

Those were just a few things running through my mind.  I realized...I may be a bit of a worry wart.  You see, I take all the joy out of what should be a simple task and fill it with worry.  Literally as soon as I got on the bike I started to envision all 15 ways my bike was going to kill me.  Literally and figuratively.  I couldn't just get on and enjoy.  And that's whats sad.  I do that with so many things.  I must be so terribly petrified of dying that every activity I do entails all the ways said activity will kill me.  Man...I have problems!

I called in my Nasonex - you know the allergy commercial with the adorable bee that has a foreign accent - and I was told by the pharmacist that our health insurance no longer covers it...and of course it's not available in generic.  Stupid bee!!!  I have tried Flonase, with little to no they gave me another one to try before they could send in an authorization for Nasonex.  Let me share my experience.  Have you ever accidental gotten water up your nose while swimming??  You know that massive burn in the nostrils that it creates??  Well that my friends is exactly how it felt when I tried to use the nose spray.  My nostrils were on fire. 

Speaking of pools...I bought an 8'x30" pool last week but it was too rainy and stormy to put it up until Saturday.  After filling it with water...which took several hours it was finally ready for the next step...the chemicals.  We (and by "we" I mean the bf) added the pool shock and almost like clock work the pool started turning a lovely shade of red. Apparently that's what happens when you piss off algae.  After much searching the bf realizes that he no longer has his pool pump from his other pool so we had to go get one.  The stupid pump was $70...the pool itself was only $35.  So I notice that they have a 12' x 2.75' foot with a pump for $ we ended up getting the other pool.  Of course I can't take the pool maybe I'll see if M's mom wants it for her house.  Originally we were just going to use the pump on the smaller pool, but the pump didn't we had to drain the pool and fill up the new pool.  Mind you, the bf hates the maintenance of a pool so he was pleased.  Once the new pool filled with water we put the chemicals in.  Now to filter out the water and we'll be good to go...I hope!!

So let me get back to the title of this post.  If you didn't butt hurts.  I think the seat bruised my butt.  It seriously hurts.  I always new that stupid exercise would be the death of me!!!  This is why I don't exercise!!! 

Stay tuned for more of my misadventures tomorrow!!

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Inner Workings...As I see them...

The following is a small story of me.  It may, or very well may  not be true...but it's as I see my life.  I have a very bad memory...not bad...just basically my long term memory is the following may or may not have actually happened, but it's as I remember it.  That is a preface for my mother...since I think she's the only one reading this.  I am sure momma will say "that is not how that happened"...but in my mind, it is. 

Let's begin...

The reason for writing this is because when a dear friend was asked "why are you and Sarah friends" (because quite honestly, said friend and I do have a LOT of differences personality wise...but then there are other things that make us very similar) this friend replied "because you never have to wonder with her.  You never have to worry about what's she's thinking."  When I first heard that I was a little taken aback.  And then I started to realize, I am that way.  So let's go back in I remember it. 

Growing up, and in high school I never had a boyfriend.  I had tons of boy friends but never was I romantically linked to anyone.  My friends all had boys...but not me.  I was the timid, shy one of the group.  My prom date was a gay guy...although I didn't know that at the time...although I could totally see it.  I was the reserved girl that didn't do drugs, or go to parties.  I did partake in an alcoholic beverage here or there...but that's what you did in high school.  I was very much an introvert.  I hated going anywhere alone.  I hated going to parties or dances because I just felt awkward.

On the flip side, I was also very strong willed (we will use that in place of stubborn because it sounds better).  If someone told me I couldn't do something...not only would I do it...but I'd take great pride in proving them wrong.  My parents were middle class, and that's how I was raised.  We never went without...EVER...but we also didn't have name brand everything.  Which didn't matter to me any since fashion was not my forte.  But in the same regard, my parents didn't have the money to buy my brother and I a car.  And they couldn't very well get him one and not me the answer was to not get anybody a car...and besides, in their day not many high school kids had a car.  I was always told "you probably won't have your own car until you're out of college."  And that's where it all began.  Not being able to own a car was simply not going to do.  So I set out to prove them all wrong...and I got a job.  And I worked my butt off.  With the help of my very generous aunt, she matched what I had for a down payment.  And with the help of my loving parents, they helped me get a car.  By helped I mean they took out the loan, but I made the payments.  And by the time I was a senior...I had a car of my very own.  Tenacious.  That described me. 

I remember going to church as a child and driving down by UK's campus.  We'd pass all the sorority and fraternity houses...and I'd long to be one of those girls in a sorority.  But my parents would always tell me I couldn't be in a sorority because we couldn't afford it.  So what did I do when I was 19??  Again, with the help of my parents, I took out a school loan and went to Eastern Kentucky University.  I lived in a dorm (another thing I was told I couldn't do), and joined a sorority.  I can officially say...THIS was a time I wish I had listened to my parents and not forced the issue.  Sorority life wasn't me.  So after a year, I hung up my fake smile...and my fake friends and I left Eastern.  They probably weren't completely fake at the time...but let's just say I don't keep in touch with very many...and the ones I do keep in touch with are because of Facebook...and because I was friends with them BEFORE the sorority. 

Okay, so where am I going with this??  You see, I made a comment involving my friends beau at work today in front of her.  I work with my friend...and her beau.  Another girl I work with said "you can't say that in front of his girlfriend."  I simply said that I could care less if it's her boyfriend...I was merely stating a fact...and opinion. 

I'm not sure when the change happened.  I think I grew my backbone while going through my divorce. Divorce...a word that I never thought would be in my vocabulary.  I learned that I didn't have to take it.  I learned that I was an independent woman, and I wasn't going to let someone dictate my life any longer.  And from there I grew and grew to where I am now.  But, as much as I like the tell it like it is also is hard on me.  I never mean to hurt anyones feelings with the things I say, it's just that I feel like I'd be doing an injustice to my friends as well as myself if I spoke a lie, only to talk about it behind that persons back.  Call me rude, call me uncouth, but you will never be able to call me dishonest...and for me, that's what matters. 

So, you see friends...I tell it like it is.  I don't sugar coat.  I don't kiss ass to get ahead.  I don't mince words.  And I occasionally hurt feelings, but you can never say I lied to you...and for that, I am okay with all the other things. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Touched by an Angel

There's a song by George Strait and it's called I Saw God Today.  Below are some lyrics.
I've been to church

I've read the book

I know he's here

But I don't look

Near as often as I should

Yeah, I know I should

His fingerprints are everywhere

I just slowed down to stop and stare

Opened my eyes and man I swear

I saw God today
A funny thing happened in St. Louis over the weekend.  I'm pretty sure I met God.  Wierd I know.  Allow me to explain. 
My friend Tricia and I were walking down on the riverfront...of course it's the Mississippi river, so it was flooded.  We crossed under the bridge and were amazed to see a statue completely covered by water, accept the head and arm.  Obviously it's not something you see every day.  There was a man there and he explained that it was a statue of Lewis and Clark...and their dog.  Well Lewis and the dog were submerged in water, so Clark was all alone.  This man was so nice.  He told us all about the flood and how far the water came up, then he asked if we wanted him to take our picture.'s where the sinner in me comes into play...and please don't judge me.  For a split second I actually thought - what if we say yes and this guy runs off with our camera's??  Ugh, I feel horrible saying it, but it's what I was thinking.  At any rate, we said we'd love for him to take our picture...and he took the picture of us with Clark in between.  Then he proceeded to tell us that he was homeless and he said he had no where to go and asked if we could help him with some money.  Ironic since Tricia and I had just discussed homeless people on the ride up and how a lot of them aren't really homeless...and how it can be quite the profitable "job".  I wanted to give him money, I really did, but all I had were $20's, so Tricia gave him $5.  He was so grateful.  He introduced himself.  His name was Tony.  Anthony actually.  I told him that was my daddy's name...and that it was a great name.  And then...he asked us to pray for him and keep him in our prayers.  And ever since...I have prayed for him.  In fact, I can't stop thinking about him.  How kind he was.  There was just something about him.  I think I saw God that day.