A lightbulb moment...

Have you ever known that something is wrong with you...like, really wrong...but you can't quite put your finger on it??  To anyone else you're fine.  There's nothing wrong with you.  But inside you know differently.  Well that aha moment came today. 

I have always had issues with my weight.  I have always been heavy...and hated it.  But I LOVED food.  In high school there was a brief time where I would make myself throw up after I ate.  It didn't go on too long.  But it happened for awhile.  Of course it didn't really help with weight loss...but in my head I could rationalize it because if the calories and fat were going in...but also coming out then I wouldn't gain weight.  It was easy for me.  Growing up as a child I threw up a lot.  The doctor said it was my way of dealing with stress.  And on road trips I'd always get car sick.  So throwing up to me was second nature.  I didn't enjoy it by any means...but if it meant that I could eat what I wanted then that was nice...in my head. 

Like I said...I have always struggled with weight.  Started Weight Watchers and become a lifetime member in 4th grade.  My mom worked there, so going was easy.  Plus I met a friend in WW and I actually really enjoyed it.  In high school I always felt fat and thought I was fat...but looking back on those pictures, I'd give my left leg to weigh what I weighted in high school. 

As an adult I have started and gone to WW two more time...with this most recent "online ww" experience being my third.  I have tried it all...to a degree.  I have tried Adkins.  The cabbage soup diet.  Diet pills...and really WW was the only thing that worked.  However, while WW says you can eat whatever you want, I never felt I could. 

For most people food is a necessity...but to me it is so much more.  It is happiness.  Food makes me happy.  Or does it.  You see...this next part is what brought me to my "aha" moment. 

Food DOESN'T make me happy.  In fact here's a typical day:

1.  Getting dressed:  UH, I hate my life.  I am so fat and none of my clothes fit.  I keep going up a size.  That's it...I'm going to diet. 
2.  Craving candy: OMG I need chocolate...or some hard candy.  No I don't.  I am too fat.  I don't need anything.
3.  20 minutes later:  Still craving chocolate...I think I'll go to the gift shop and get something.
4.  Eating the chocolate:  OMG...what have I just done.  Great...look how much fat is in that candy bar.  Hope it was good Sarah.  Now I'll never lose weight.  I'm just going to continue to gain weight. 

That's just a small example of what plays in my head on a daily basis.  What caused this?? I have know idea...but it literally happens every day of my life, wherever food is involved.  It's like a recording that's slowly making me crazy. 

For about the first 6 months of working at the hospital I would go to lunch with some of the people in my office.  Our cafeteria didn't offer the best food...and not too many healthy choices...so I would get what sounded good.  Sometimes a grill cheese and fries...cause after all...that whole delicious fried meal was only $3.25.  Couldn't beat that price with a stick.  But EVERY DAY after lunch I would get back to my desk...and almost feel sick.  Sick with a "what have I done" feeling.  I would feel guilty about my lunch.  REALLY guilty.  So I got to the point where I stopped going to lunch.  It was too hard.  I would bring my lunch...and sit in my office by myself...which I enjoyed...but not every day do I feel like reading at lunch.  And on occasion when I have gone to lunch, that same sickened feeling comes back as soon as I get back to my desk.

I recently asked my friends if I was addicted to food....to which they said no.  Only little did they know...I meant it.  I feel like I'm addicted to food.  I feel like it's one of those things where I know I shouldn't eat it...and I know what will happen if I do eat it...and I tell myself not to...but I eat it anyway to satisfy that craving...then I beat myself up over it.  Just like smoking...everyone that does it knows it's not good for you...and that it causes cancer, but your mind tells your body it doesn't care.  That to me doesn't seem normal.  Yesterday or the day before I actually contemplated anorexia.  Me, the girl who loves food contemplated anorexia.  I had always heard that people that were anorexic and bulimic did it because that was one of the few things in their life that they could control...and I finally got what that meant. 

Today I contemplated diet pills.  I just feel like if I could get these cravings to go away...or I could ever reach a point where I didn't want to eat...THEN maybe I could lose weight.  Alli is probably the only "safe" FDA approved diet pill.  However after reading the reviews from everyone that had...hmmm...how shall I say loose, greasy, uncontrollable stools - well it suddenly lost it's appeal. 

So then I googled "how do you know when you are addicted to food?" and I came across this site.  It's a blog on Self Magazine.  (stand back..."aha" moment ahead) Here is a small snippet in case you don't want to read the whole article.

We asked Chevese Turner, founder and CEO of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), for the inside view.


"There's been a lot of debate around whether this set of symptoms is an eating disorder or food addiction, but no matter what it is, it all sort of acts the same," Turner says. "What we're concerned with is, how is it treated?

"For most alcoholics, it's important that they take alcohol out of their life completely in order to recover, but what does abstinence mean for food? It's so complicated."

Turner, a recovering sufferer of Binge Eating Disorder herself, says she hasn't eliminated foods from her diet, but instead has used therapy and behavioral work to help lessen her cravings. For other BED sufferers, abstaining completely from foods such as sugar or white flour (and sometimes reintroducing them later) seem to work well.

How do you know if you're suffering from BED?


"We have people who overeat but aren't too stressed about it -- but BED means your relationship with food is extremely distressing to you, whether you're overweight or not," Turner says. "If you're overeating and feel a lot of shame or distress around that behavior, that really is the hallmark."

The paragraph above sums it up.  My relationship with food is incredibly distressing.  I would say that food, whether it be feeling guilty, eating it, or wondering what I am going to eat consumes about 50% of my day.  It's constantly going on in the back of my head.  Ask my friends...they will tell you. 

It felt good to know that there is actually something wrong in my thinking.  It's an actual thing.  And I'm not alone. 

Now, if only I knew how to fix myself...