A tale from a cybercondriac...And a story

It feels like all my life I have had medical issue.  I used to always throw up in school...not because I had an eating disorder but apparently according to my Pediatrician, that's how I handled stress.  Man...too bad I grew out of that one...other wise I'd be skinny and on America's Next Top Model.  I was also diagnosed with GERD when I was in Middle school (I think it was middle school...although I may be incorrect).  I had/have awful heartburn.  It actually wasn't until this year that I found a pill that I can go all day on and not get heartburn.  What i mean by that is that on my old pills, I would take one at night and be okay...but if I got up in the morning and had anything to drink or eat...I couldn't lay back down without having to take another pill...which wasn't prescribed that way...but that's how it had to be.  So I guess you could say (and I am sure my mother would) that I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac...although now a days I'm a cyberchondriac because I medically diagnose myself via online tools like WedMd or Mayoclinic.  So today I realized that I think I may have a gluten intolerance.  You see...my stomach always does weird things and lately whenever I eat something I get very bloated and my stomach becomes distended.  I have horrible internal gas and pressure...and this has been going on for awhile.  I chalked it up to my stomach hating me...but, I think it actually be my stomach hating Gluten.  What attracted me to this conclusion was that after my breakfast this morning my stomach started doing it's normal thing.  Grumbling, rumbling, pressure, pain, and bloating.  Now, all I had eaten was donut holes (I'm not completely ruling out that my problems could just be because I eat crap all day long), which lead me to wonder if this was all caused by gluten.  I have lots of the symptoms...and lord knows I lack energy and feel tired all the time (another symptom).  So today at lunch I tried to test my hypothesis by eating Wheat Thins.  Mine as well not waste any time and go for the full on wheat overload.  And of course my stomach feels the same as before.  This has caused me to decide that I should probably try a Gluten Free diet.  This is going to be incredibly hard because 1) I LOVE food.  B) I never was good at the Adkins diet because I LOVE bread and pasta.  3) I love carbs. D) Did I mention I love food??  The upside is that M. is currently on the diet, so that makes it a little easier.  And if I stick to meat, veggies, and fruit I should be good...and I might even drop some lb's in the process.  The part that is going to suck is that we've probably never followed the GF diet as it's supposed to be followed.  Technically you're supposed to have a separate toaster, silverware, plates, fridge, etc. for all your GF food so that there's no cross contamination.  We never did that.  Who has money or space for all new appliances??  We do however not feed M anything with Gluten, and to me, that has really helped her.  So I guess I can give it awhirl. 

The moral of this story you may ask??  You see, I am going to blog about how this adventure turns out.  Will it help??  Will I feel better??  Who knows...but I do know that it never hurts to try. 

On a completely different note...

My dear aunt passed away fairly unexpectedly over the weekend.  I was not at all ready for this nor had I planned on this happening.  She was my only real aunt, and she spoiled me with love, kindness, and generosity.  You see, my aunt never had children of her own, so to a degree she treated my brother and me like we were hers.  Every summer she'd take me (my brother too...but on his own) on vacations and trips.  Thanks to her I have visited lots of different states.  Sure, she had her faults...but the good far outweighed them.  Just like my grandmother, you never heard her say a cross word about anyone.  Ever.  She saw the good in people.  And loved everyone.  I took her for granted...as I probably do with my whole family.  You don't realize that one minute someone is here and the next they're gone.  I decided that one of the most painful words in the English language is regret.  Why didn't I call her?  Why didn't I tell her I loved her more.  Why didn't I go see her the last time I was in town?  There was always an excuse with me...story of my life.  My heart will never be quite the same without her.  She gave me a present once, I believe for Christmas...and it might be my most prized possession.  It's nothing big...or extravagant...rather simple really.  When I was a little child (not sure the year it was given to me) she gave me a teddy bear...and to this day...at 33 years old, I still sleep with it.  "its" actual name was Dandy the Millionaire Bear.  I guess even as a young child I had aspirations of being rich.  :)  I take that bear on all of my trips...and sleep with it every night.  There is no doubt when you take one look at Dandy, that he's been loved.  Remember at the top how I talked about throwing up when I was in school??  Well I also threw up when we'd go on road trips...so needless to say, he's seen the spin cycle a time or two.  And sure, he has no stuffing in his neck, and he's had to be sewn here and there...but he's been my favorite constant in my life.  I sometimes think about what I would take if I had a fire...and besides, getting my family out and my dog out...the one thing I would have to have would be my teddy bear.  Even over my pictures I think.  As dumb as it sounds, whenever I am down, or sick, or lonely, or depressed...that bear is with me.  And now, with the passing of my aunt, I am going to hold that bear a little tighter. 

Man...I think I had ADD.  The real reason for writing about my aunt, is kind of in relation to the top.  My aunt had Diabetes, and was overweight...even obese.  But despite having Diabetes, she never ate right.  She always ate out...and not good for you stuff either.  But that got me thinking.  I honestly don't know if I was diagnosed with a medical condition, if even then I'd stop how I eat.  Take the gluten for example.  Say I really have a gluten intolerance...I don't know that I'm strong enough to follow a non-gluten diet.  I always said that my aunt should have eaten better, blah blah blah...but it's easier said than done.  Just one of my many leasons I've learned in life. 

Things I love...

I stumbled across this blog.  Its the bucket list of a 15 year old little girl that is dying of cancer.  So it made me decide to write down the things I love.  I will often update this as things pop in my head. 

Also, one of the things on her bucket list is that she wants everyone in the world to sign up to be a bone marrow donor.  I have been signed up for almost 2 years.  Haven't gotten a call yet, but hope that someday I will. Yes, it will hurt...but not nearly as bad as seeing your 15 year old daughter pass away because there was no match.  The likely hood of ever being called is slim...and I ask everyone that reads this (all two of you) to sign up.

Okay, so here we go!!  I LOVE:
1.  Storms.  (but only when they are just storms and not tornado's, etc)
2.  Listening to the rain...particularly when I'm home and able to fall asleep to it. 
3.  The smell of clothes right out of the dryer.
4.  Slipping into bed after you have just laundered your sheets. 
5.  When I find a book that I don't want to finish, but can't wait to either. 
6.  Getting to sleep in on the weekends.
7.  The feeling I get right at 4:25 when I know my work day is almost over. 
8. Nectarines - Both smelling and eating them!!!

A lightbulb moment...

Have you ever known that something is wrong with you...like, really wrong...but you can't quite put your finger on it??  To anyone else you're fine.  There's nothing wrong with you.  But inside you know differently.  Well that aha moment came today. 

I have always had issues with my weight.  I have always been heavy...and hated it.  But I LOVED food.  In high school there was a brief time where I would make myself throw up after I ate.  It didn't go on too long.  But it happened for awhile.  Of course it didn't really help with weight loss...but in my head I could rationalize it because if the calories and fat were going in...but also coming out then I wouldn't gain weight.  It was easy for me.  Growing up as a child I threw up a lot.  The doctor said it was my way of dealing with stress.  And on road trips I'd always get car sick.  So throwing up to me was second nature.  I didn't enjoy it by any means...but if it meant that I could eat what I wanted then that was nice...in my head. 

Like I said...I have always struggled with weight.  Started Weight Watchers and become a lifetime member in 4th grade.  My mom worked there, so going was easy.  Plus I met a friend in WW and I actually really enjoyed it.  In high school I always felt fat and thought I was fat...but looking back on those pictures, I'd give my left leg to weigh what I weighted in high school. 

As an adult I have started and gone to WW two more time...with this most recent "online ww" experience being my third.  I have tried it all...to a degree.  I have tried Adkins.  The cabbage soup diet.  Diet pills...and really WW was the only thing that worked.  However, while WW says you can eat whatever you want, I never felt I could. 

For most people food is a necessity...but to me it is so much more.  It is happiness.  Food makes me happy.  Or does it.  You see...this next part is what brought me to my "aha" moment. 

Food DOESN'T make me happy.  In fact here's a typical day:

1.  Getting dressed:  UH, I hate my life.  I am so fat and none of my clothes fit.  I keep going up a size.  That's it...I'm going to diet. 
2.  Craving candy: OMG I need chocolate...or some hard candy.  No I don't.  I am too fat.  I don't need anything.
3.  20 minutes later:  Still craving chocolate...I think I'll go to the gift shop and get something.
4.  Eating the chocolate:  OMG...what have I just done.  Great...look how much fat is in that candy bar.  Hope it was good Sarah.  Now I'll never lose weight.  I'm just going to continue to gain weight. 

That's just a small example of what plays in my head on a daily basis.  What caused this?? I have know idea...but it literally happens every day of my life, wherever food is involved.  It's like a recording that's slowly making me crazy. 

For about the first 6 months of working at the hospital I would go to lunch with some of the people in my office.  Our cafeteria didn't offer the best food...and not too many healthy choices...so I would get what sounded good.  Sometimes a grill cheese and fries...cause after all...that whole delicious fried meal was only $3.25.  Couldn't beat that price with a stick.  But EVERY DAY after lunch I would get back to my desk...and almost feel sick.  Sick with a "what have I done" feeling.  I would feel guilty about my lunch.  REALLY guilty.  So I got to the point where I stopped going to lunch.  It was too hard.  I would bring my lunch...and sit in my office by myself...which I enjoyed...but not every day do I feel like reading at lunch.  And on occasion when I have gone to lunch, that same sickened feeling comes back as soon as I get back to my desk.

I recently asked my friends if I was addicted to food....to which they said no.  Only little did they know...I meant it.  I feel like I'm addicted to food.  I feel like it's one of those things where I know I shouldn't eat it...and I know what will happen if I do eat it...and I tell myself not to...but I eat it anyway to satisfy that craving...then I beat myself up over it.  Just like smoking...everyone that does it knows it's not good for you...and that it causes cancer, but your mind tells your body it doesn't care.  That to me doesn't seem normal.  Yesterday or the day before I actually contemplated anorexia.  Me, the girl who loves food contemplated anorexia.  I had always heard that people that were anorexic and bulimic did it because that was one of the few things in their life that they could control...and I finally got what that meant. 

Today I contemplated diet pills.  I just feel like if I could get these cravings to go away...or I could ever reach a point where I didn't want to eat...THEN maybe I could lose weight.  Alli is probably the only "safe" FDA approved diet pill.  However after reading the reviews from everyone that had...hmmm...how shall I say loose, greasy, uncontrollable stools - well it suddenly lost it's appeal. 

So then I googled "how do you know when you are addicted to food?" and I came across this site.  It's a blog on Self Magazine.  (stand back..."aha" moment ahead) Here is a small snippet in case you don't want to read the whole article.

We asked Chevese Turner, founder and CEO of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), for the inside view.


"There's been a lot of debate around whether this set of symptoms is an eating disorder or food addiction, but no matter what it is, it all sort of acts the same," Turner says. "What we're concerned with is, how is it treated?

"For most alcoholics, it's important that they take alcohol out of their life completely in order to recover, but what does abstinence mean for food? It's so complicated."

Turner, a recovering sufferer of Binge Eating Disorder herself, says she hasn't eliminated foods from her diet, but instead has used therapy and behavioral work to help lessen her cravings. For other BED sufferers, abstaining completely from foods such as sugar or white flour (and sometimes reintroducing them later) seem to work well.

How do you know if you're suffering from BED?


"We have people who overeat but aren't too stressed about it -- but BED means your relationship with food is extremely distressing to you, whether you're overweight or not," Turner says. "If you're overeating and feel a lot of shame or distress around that behavior, that really is the hallmark."

The paragraph above sums it up.  My relationship with food is incredibly distressing.  I would say that food, whether it be feeling guilty, eating it, or wondering what I am going to eat consumes about 50% of my day.  It's constantly going on in the back of my head.  Ask my friends...they will tell you. 

It felt good to know that there is actually something wrong in my thinking.  It's an actual thing.  And I'm not alone. 

Now, if only I knew how to fix myself...